For Halloween this year I’m going as a fatter version of myself last year.
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
*puts cutlery down*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Employees must applaud the planets.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.