how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
first you must answer his riddles
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’