I don’t know how it all went so wrong but when presented with a giant bowl of Halloween candy, 6 grabbed Whoppers and a Tootsie Roll instead of the Reese’s.
You Might Also Like
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Good advice.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?