if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.