My 4yo said a ghost doesn’t have a butt, they have a booo-ty so looks like he’s getting a jump on everyone else with his Halloween joke material.
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean