My kids want to be Amazon boxes for Halloween.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Meow
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING