The average parent gains 2.7 lbs from safety-checking their kids Halloween candy.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.