[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu