At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.