She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Finally!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.