Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.