*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You Might Also Like
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.