Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”