But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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My circle of trust is a meatball
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.