. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
You Might Also Like
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
This guy’s not having it 😆
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.