Classic German Shepherd 😂
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
beware of dog
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
sir, my pâté if you please