DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it