don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?