*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me