Doubt I鈥檒l ever forget this scene 馃槀
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you鈥檝e reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 馃檪
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I鈥檓 swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn鈥檛 say HUMAN wom鈥攚hat are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I鈥檓 gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Husband: Ok, this isn鈥檛 funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it鈥檚 not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Home is where the h鈥ll did I put my car keys?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
You didn鈥檛 hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn鈥檛 good enough to post on his social media.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.