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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Please don鈥檛 ask me to repeat myself I wasn鈥檛 listening either
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I don鈥檛 care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom鈥檚 dog.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You are what you eat? I鈥檓 about to become sandals
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….