Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.