Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.