Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
You Might Also Like
I鈥檓 helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children鈥檚 names these days are completely out of hand.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I鈥檓 dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
dads on road-trips be like
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT鈥橲 NOT WORKING, JANET
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that鈥檚 my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren鈥檛 these normally ink blots
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can鈥檛 do laundry lying down
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.