Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
You Might Also Like
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
$4 #usedbooks
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting