funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.