funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
meow
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I bet birds love this building.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.