[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Your secret is safeish with me