Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.