Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking π€·ββοΈπ€·ββοΈπ€·ββοΈ
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but theyβve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Haha I chopped a jalapeΓ±o without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Husband: You donβt have to wear a mask
Me: Iβm hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But itβs just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I still donβt unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her drivewayβ¦.35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
Itβs a vicious cycle.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Trader Joeβs was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Iβm tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.