Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some