HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water