How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??