how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15
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Naked and afraid, but itβs just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I canβt find a towel.
ME AT A PARTY: oh weβve met? iβm sorry iβm bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Donβt you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
youβd think someone in the room wouldβve spoken up like βhey guys maybe itβs a bad idea to make one ring to rule them allβ
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
5 year old: Does βCupidβ mean βcuteβ and βstupidβ?
Me: It does now.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? Itβs such a perfect setup.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
SCHRΓDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, soβ¦ I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRΓDINGER: Yes.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache