How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
wow
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”