I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Oh my God.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me