I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Many hands make light work
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…