i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Lmao
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!