I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that鈥檚 fun
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I鈥檒l be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: I鈥檓 going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I鈥檒l need to use a walk
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
With all the ghosting these days you鈥檇 think there鈥檇 be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that鈥檚 probably a good thing.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Lance isn鈥檛 really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.