i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
mom had nothing to worry about
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*