I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
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Suuuuure
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
oh you wanna fight?!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.