I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest