I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.