I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The hardest part of parenting is, and I canβt stress this enough, the kids.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
The only time I get anxiety is when Iβm picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I donβt know she hasnβt returned my texts for over five minutes I think sheβs dead
The 6 types of sex
I think people who βlikeβ bloody Maryβs are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Letβs be serious
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. Iβm 4 people.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Plot twist. Heβs actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You donβt need to study the dammed thing.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
βWho took my good screwdriver?β
-Every dad ever
gf: whereβs that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: whatβs in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When life hands you women, make women laid.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I havenβt seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: β¦ Iβm grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
We are watching βItβ from last year and not for nothinβ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.