I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Breaking news:
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Most Common Source of Electricity
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.