I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I would like even faster food.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Me when I wear 4 inch heels