i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.