If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.