If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
me after drinking all the wine:
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.