How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho