If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course Iβm looking at those instead of watching where Iβm going
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Iβd like to say that I donβt have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what theyβd like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (iβm so sorry)
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[pronounces βpineapplesβ like βminneapolisβ]
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If I say something happened βthe other dayβ that could mean any time after 1994
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.